"QUANTUM SHOT" #269Article by Scott Seegert - Link
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent an exclusive material for DRB.
Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind
There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.
The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.
Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators
Patented 1918
The guy in the illustration above is:
1. runner-up in the local honey manufacturer’s product mascot competition.
2. the current record holder for not only the longest, but also the most externally-located small intestine in North America.
3. going to ask Santa for the Abdominizer this Christmas.
The correct answer is, of course:
4. wearing Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators.
Augusto explains that "by means of an air pump..., compressed air is pumped into the convolutions of the suit of such a force to make the suit capable of resisting...all shocks and crushing forces to which an aviator may be subjected when the flying machine stops and falls to the ground." He also notes that the opening at the top of the suit should be "the size of the face of an aviator" which, apparently, is either larger or smaller than that of the general population ("Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Richard. I see by the size of your face that you’re an aviator.")
John’s Hunting Decoy
Patented 1897
The battle between guy and bird has long been a lopsided one, due largely to a vast difference in brain size. But that hasn’t stopped guys from trying. John created his clever Hunting Decoy over a century ago, presumably hoping to take advantage of that old bird axiom: "Hey, we may not live forever, but at least we won’t get shot by a cow."
The principle is simple – two guys, disguised in a cow suit, amble out into an open field, conducting themselves in a cow-like manner (the guy in back may find ambling a bit difficult due to the placement of the udder). When the moment is right, the courageous sportsmen burst from various secret cow openings and blast away to their hearts' content. As an aside, should the hunter in front wish to play a tremendously humorous prank on the hunter in the rear, he can amble seductively into the holding pen of Farmer Johnson’s prize Brahma bull.
Andrew and Harry’s Beverage Tray Sun Visor
Patented 1992
An invention needn't be complicated to be practical and here's a great idea for the guy who forgot to bring his hat to the game, yet still wants to enjoy the look and feel of nacho cheese in his hair.
Let's hear about this incredible innovation in Andrew and Harry’s own words: "It is an object of this invention to provide a food or beverage tray which upon completion of the transportation function as a food or beverage tray for transporting food and or beverages..." - never mind... their own words are causing us to lose consciousness.
Basically, these two guys (you didn't think this could possibly be the work of only one, did you?) have brainstormed an idea which, they say, not only reduces the accumulation of trash at the ballpark, but will also prevent heatstroke (and here we figured having heatstroke is what would compel someone to wear a beverage tray on his head in the first place.) They also point out that the tray can be utilized as an advertising medium by printing messages on the bottom surface (WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THIS MORON "DISAPPEAR"? Call Louie "Sausage Fingers" Altobelli at 555-1212)
Ellis’s Flying Apparatus
Patented 1917
Incredibly, Ellis came up with this beauty 14 years AFTER the Wright Brothers made their famous Kitty Hawk flight - and, unfortunately, one year prior to the invention of Gustav’s Safety Suit for Aviators (see above). Ellis’s Flying Apparatus is worn over the shoulders and includes a motorized propeller and working control surfaces but, to the best of our knowledge, no beverage service. We don't know if Ellis ever actually got his apparatus off the ground, but our research does indicate a dramatic improvement in his 100-yard dash times.
copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007
Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.
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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.
(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)
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